How to Support Parents in Building their Parent Community
When do we bring in parent education in schools that supports community building?
One of my core tenets is that community heals.
What that statement does not acknowledge is that community can harm as well.
Or, in fact, you can expect community or those in a community to do harm.
So, how do we create restoration within a community to heal.
Some of my earliest memories are saying things that made me so ashamed. But when I recall those memories, they came from the mouths of my family first. They were not my thoughts. I parroted those statements, I heard the reaction, and I felt so guilty for saying those things.
It is easy to say hurtful things in a home, as gossip, on social media, or even via text.
I have listened and observed and ease-dropped, and used my teacher ears my whole life. When we are face-to-face with someone we often use a different tone, different words, and a different demeanor to say these tough things in person. I am very concerned about how much less we as a society communicate less and less via face to face. While I don’t have the research at my fingertips, I know it is there. We should be concerned about this.
My son’s teacher shared that his school enrollment drops after third grade significantly because parents start fighting one another. They create sides. Then they leave. These are the adults that we believe are responsible for teaching students social skills, but they lack those skills themselves.
So what do we do?
In my post about teaching collaboration I shared my framework of getting students to talk and communicate in class to be able to build collaboration. Something that I teach educators when they are interested in learning how to get their students to collaborate more is maintaining boundaries. It is not a identified part of the framework, but it is definitely a core tenet of the Practice stage. This has to be the same with families. If your schools is highly communicative, we need to teach our parents how to collaborate. That first stage is creating boundaries.
There is a common knowledge with educators to create norms. If you are working with a PLC, norms are essential. If you are meeting with a school site council, norms are mandatory. If your parents are creating a classwide What’s App, you need norms!
Schools often have norms in their student parent contract about how to respectfully communicate and act within the school confines, but what about out of school? And What about with each other.
I have another example of this from when I was a parent and a continuation school teacher. My daughter went to a school in the district I taught. One year she had siblings in her class that were my students siblings. This was surprising to me at the time because those siblings had 10+ year gaps which is not uncommon (my kids have a 7 year gap), but I had three siblings in my classes that were related to 3 students in her class or 22. I always maintained positive relationships with families in my classroom. Lots of communications, lots of celebrations. My daughter was very social as well and really cared for her community and became a friend that many depended on. For weeks, my daughter would beg for one friend to come over. I only knew the parent from my contact with them as a teacher. The older sibling was continuously aggressive towards me, would curse me out daily, and was a student that I worked really hard to build a relationship with, without any luck. Everyday I would show up with unconditional positive regard, and would leave the day exhausted. At that time our school did not have many outside supports, let along a tap in/tap out system. It was a challenge. So when the sibling of that student begged to always come to our house we had a family conversation about it. I said I would love for my daughters friend to come over after her sibling graduated form my school. That is what would make me feel comfortable. For the record that kiddo was invited to all birthday parties. I just didn’t feel comfortable having that family in my home when both the parent and the sibling we really aggressive towards me.
Well…my daughter went to school that day and said “My mom said you can’t come over until your [sibling] is no longer at her school.”
I found out about this when the parent came charging at me asking why their child was not invited to my child’s birthday party. The whole exchange was weird, but cause we had my daughters birthday party at a nearby park by the school (we live out of the district) just a few weeks before this encounter. The parent was irate, accusatory, and losing it. I was so taken back when she said those things I explained we were not having a party at our house. Their child has always been invited to every birthday party, and I did say I felt more comfortable having their child at my house after their older child graduated.
While still upset the parent stormed away angrily. We had a family meeting and I tried my best to explain in age appropriate terms that I needed that boundary. That family ended up moving away, but what if they didn’t? I like to think about what I would have done, but I probably would have just kept on rolling and lost a potential member of my community. What I really I wish would have been done when my kiddo entered the schools, is that the school would have supported protocols for parents building community with other parents.
I believe schools are afraid of getting too involved in parenting. It is June and the terrible things that parents are saying over a June Pride Month post from the district is so disheartening. Their is a confusion over our Freedom of Speech. It is not a freedom to berate, verbally attack, or threaten.
What if we created boundaries around what commenters are allowed to post on a schools social media comments. In schools we teach this social skills. What if we required it of the outside?
What if the school did not condone classwide What’s App, but instead create norms for parents interacting with each other and create opportunities to build community with each other?
Parenting in LA is hard. Most families have two working adults to be able to afford living here. YOU CAN NOT DO THIS WITHOUT COMMUNITY. Yet, families are doing this all the time. They are struggling.
Dream with me for a sec.
What if we taught our kids the social skills to build community, help each other, value each other, care for each other. They recorded these skills, they demonstrate these skills, they teach their families these skills.
What if when someone on the What’s App looses their shit? Well, the community would reflect on the community norms. They would have a hard conversation to uplift the other and eachothers greatness.
One way that I see this is through Facebook groups. Many groups I am a part of have moderators. Some moderators language can be perceived as harsher than others, but their are people on their that hold the line. The group has a purpose, they have community guidelines, and they have accountability. Unfotunately, what these groups do not have is restoration.
When you are building your norms you may want to consider a norm for restoration. This can look like: If someone in our community does not follow the community guidelines a community member will call that member “in”. They will note the community guideline that was not followed, they will ask that statement to be deleted from the chat, and they will ask for that person to apologise to anyone that was harmed in person if possible, and will ask the community how to fix their and others grievances.
The solution is in the community. The solution is in the relationships. The solution is the collective.
This example is not for schools to uphold. Schools should not be the moderators. But, what schools can do is give families the language and tools to build community. It can come from monthly videos where students practice this skills, it can come for articles or even what the students are learning.
If a schools word of the month is Compassion. Let’s teach our students what that means, what that looks like, and share with families how to practice this at home and with their community. Let’s have that as part of the What’s app chat.
If schools help create this boundary, they can enforce it with the adults that go to their schools. When staff meet or discuss with families that are disregulated, you can hold them to those norms.
“[Parent] here are the norms for our school when dealing with tough situations. I am going to unbiasly hear what you are saying. You have to explain it in a inoffensive way without using foul language or aggressive language. If you can not do that right now, you can have the option to write down your concern or I will give your 5 minutes to calm down so we can have the conversation your student needs.”
I have shared two personal examples that were negative. I want to close this newsletter with a positive one. As a family of four with two working parents, I could not be the parent I am/was without my school community. Because educators schedules are so inflexible and unfamily friendly I missed countless first day photos, so many awards ceremonies, and volunteering in the classroom events. It breaks my kids hearts that I am not their. But, what does happen is I call in my community and they show up and they show up hard. My spouse, grand parents, aunts, uncles, friends, school best friends. They all show up. They send me the pictures, they facetime me so I can see, they go above and beyond because they know my kiddos really want me there, but if I can’t be there they will hear many people yelling their name and cheering them on. My community is why I don’t feel like a failure everyday doing this really hard work of parenting school-aged kids and being a teacher.